Taking care of business

A number of you have asked me for photos of my babies. Believe me, I would love to post some. They are the cutest babies in the universe and they lower your blood pressure and cholesterol and bad-health-thingies within three seconds flat of glancing at them, and they are clearly the best, most beautiful things I've ever made, and I long to show them off, but I just can't, because then my mother would kill me, and then she'd kill my husband for letting me do it, and then the babies would be orphans, and then she'd get custody of them, and then, when they became teenagers, she would never ever ever let them watch cable television or put any salt on their food. So there. But she's right; she, and other members of my family, myself included, have had bad experiences with a scary stalker-type person who has used the Internet to find out information about us. Therefore, I'm not willing to take any chances with posting photos or certain identifying information. I'm sorry. Please don't take it personally.

Next: after discussing things with my husband and my mother, and virtually every pediatrician in the tri-state area, we have decided to decline SHOOTING X-RAYS INTO OUR INFANT SONS' SKULLS FOR NO GOOD REASON. I know, I know: I'm just too crunchy-granola to live.

Here's the deal: our sons like leaning their heads to one side. This probably has to do with them having been all squished up together inside my overtaxed womb. So, since baby heads are fairly soft, they are developing little flat spots on one side, a condition medically known as "plagiocephaly," and colloquially known as "flat head syndrome."

Try to imagine the joy a new mother experiences when a medical professional tells her that her beautiful, perfect sons may be suffering from "flat head syndrome."

But not to worry.

It can be corrected.

By wearing special, custom-made, probably-not-covered-by-insurance helmets, 24/7, for a year.

But, first, they need to get x-rays.

And then.......they need to see a NEUROSURGEON.

Or, if you listen to the doctor who gave the second opinion, you can just put a mobile on one side of their crib so they turn their head the other way. Either that, or see a neurosurgeon. Mobile, or neurosurgeon. Whatever. Six of one, half dozen of another.

So, we decided to decline the x-rays but consult with the neurosurgeon. And he couldn't have been nicer. Particularly with his pronouncement that our babies are fine and his recommendation that we do nothing right now, but if we want a perfect head shape, we might need to do the helmets, and we should come back in a few weeks.

So, the moral of the story, I think, is, if you live in an area with a lot of crazy, litigation-happy yuppies, and your pediatrician, probably in covering herself because she knows that you're a lawyer, sends you to the neurosurgeon, try not to worry about it too much and just go.

Speaking of being a lawyer....Mignon asked me some time ago what I'm doing about work. The answer, really, is quite simple: I have no fucking clue. Basically, I'm working, minimally, on a few minor projects. I was sort of gung-ho to get more work, but it's not coming as quickly and easily as I had hoped, and maybe that's not such a terrible thing, because I'm exhausted, but maybe it is terrible, because I'm also in need of money, and why the hell do exersaucers (and all other seats that don't require the baby to lean its head against the back) cost $80 anyway, and how come there are 3,451 children per square inch in my neighborhood, and no decent used baby gear within a 5-mile radius of my apartment on Craigslist?

So, in summary, we will be going back to the neurosurgeon and may or may not be putting our babies in helmets, and I may or may not ever be comfortable with the amount of work I do ever again. So, how's your day?