Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dear Diary

Today Barack Obama was sworn in as 44th President of the United States. I wasn't. Instead, I fielded certain young persons' questions about the incongruity of Grover Monster making pee-pee in the potty book when he has no visible penis ("He has one, but they don't show it, because he likes to keep it private").

By the way--where IS Grover these days??? He's getting entirely too little airtime.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Oh no! Oh no!

Because we are moderately extravagant, Ty and I subscribe to a variety of cable channels. Because we are moderately cheap, we almost always refuse to pay for additional On Demand-type services. Therefore, we must keep ourselves content with the free On Demand offerings for any given time period.

Because we have twin boys and also have jobs and also occasionally feel the need to maintain sanity, we allow our children to watch a small amount of television, even though they are shy of two years old.

Against our better judgment, we opened the Barney and Friends floodgates. My dear readers, please learn from my mistakes.

Barney delights my children. They happily watch and sing and clap while Ty and I sit on the couch, moaning, groaning, smacking our hands to our foreheads, and muttering occasional under-the-breath phrases to each other such as "stupid," or "saccharine," or "contrived," or "fake," or "please stab me in the eyeballs with a sharpened spoon." We vow to show no more Barney. Then, the inevitable end of the episode approaches, and Barney sings "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family..." and images of children cuddling with their family members are displayed, our children crawl into our laps and cuddle with us, and we, of course, soften and melt and decide, oh, okay, maybe just a little more Barney in the future.

Not long ago, our cable service offered six episodes of Barney On Demand. In a tired stupor, I turned on one of them, which featured B.J. (tee hee) playing with balls (tee hee HEE). At one point, a whole bunch of balls of different colors fell on her (him? it?).

She might as well have reached through the television and offered each of my children a simultaneous ice cream cone and back rub.

"Oh no!" I said to my sons, cheerfully. "All the balls fell!"

They looked at me, their eyes huge.

"More Oh No?! More Oh No?!"

"Sure," I said, rolling back the footage. They watched it again, enthralled.

"More Oh No? More Oh No?" They watched it another half a dozen times.

This was, maybe, six weeks ago?

They are still asking for "More Oh NO?!" a good four or five times a week.

Here's the problem: the episode has DISAPPEARED. The cable offerings went from six episodes to four. I watched each of the four episodes TWICE just to make sure I wasn't missing the clip.

I did at least an hour's worth of research and I'm pretty sure I FINALLY figured out the name of the episode ("Let's Play Games!"), as well as the season (9) and episode (12). But I can't find it on VHS or DVD anywhere.


Thursday, January 08, 2009

Things that are pissing me off today

1. The ubiquitous, ridiculous fashion advice to "raid your grandmother's jewelry box" for "the perfect brooch." How fucking stupid. One of my grandmothers died a few years ago; thanks for bringing that up. The other one, in her mid-eighties, is still working, and still very much in need of whatever exists in her jewelry box that approaches a brooch. Which probably isn't much; she was never the flashy type. Who are these grandmothers who are just walking around willy-nilly with tons of cool brooches sitting around in jewelry boxes for the taking? Are they supposed to let their own bosoms go unadorned while their granddaughters, with the blessing of every fashion editor in America, have at their possessions, unfettered by the bounds of common decency?

2. Blackberry seeds juxtaposed with dental crevices. 'Nuff said.

3. Laryngitis. GO AWAY ALREADY. I haven't got time.

4. Toddler sippy cups with easy-off lids. HELLO?

5. Snow boots that dig into my feet. Anything that hideously puffy-looking shouldn't leave blisters.

6. Those "skinny" jeans that make anorexic sixteen-year-olds look fat.

7. Lady Elaine Fairchilde. Mr. Rogers, I love you, always have, and always will, but this puppet terrifies my children. Yesterday, they asked me to draw pictures of her "in jail." Repeatedly throughout the day. What is with the long, red wino nose and sour expression? She makes me want to make-believe that X the Owl is a board-certified plastic surgeon who enjoys a challenge.

8. My inability to draw a Tim Gunn bobblehead doll. Two separate people walked in the room, looked at my picture, and asked, "Is that Woody Allen?"