Things that are pissing me off today

1. The ubiquitous, ridiculous fashion advice to "raid your grandmother's jewelry box" for "the perfect brooch." How fucking stupid. One of my grandmothers died a few years ago; thanks for bringing that up. The other one, in her mid-eighties, is still working, and still very much in need of whatever exists in her jewelry box that approaches a brooch. Which probably isn't much; she was never the flashy type. Who are these grandmothers who are just walking around willy-nilly with tons of cool brooches sitting around in jewelry boxes for the taking? Are they supposed to let their own bosoms go unadorned while their granddaughters, with the blessing of every fashion editor in America, have at their possessions, unfettered by the bounds of common decency?

2. Blackberry seeds juxtaposed with dental crevices. 'Nuff said.

3. Laryngitis. GO AWAY ALREADY. I haven't got time.

4. Toddler sippy cups with easy-off lids. HELLO?

5. Snow boots that dig into my feet. Anything that hideously puffy-looking shouldn't leave blisters.

6. Those "skinny" jeans that make anorexic sixteen-year-olds look fat.

7. Lady Elaine Fairchilde. Mr. Rogers, I love you, always have, and always will, but this puppet terrifies my children. Yesterday, they asked me to draw pictures of her "in jail." Repeatedly throughout the day. What is with the long, red wino nose and sour expression? She makes me want to make-believe that X the Owl is a board-certified plastic surgeon who enjoys a challenge.

8. My inability to draw a Tim Gunn bobblehead doll. Two separate people walked in the room, looked at my picture, and asked, "Is that Woody Allen?"