A Quick Quiz

Q: When is a snowstorm most likely to hit New York City?

a) On a Saturday when you have no plans and lots of hot chocolate ingredients

b) The day after you buy snow boots

c) Never

d) On a weekday when you have finally snagged an appointment to take your two sick children to the pediatrician, your best friend is flying into the city, and an important client has requested a meeting and you have agreed, even though it means you will have to go out of your way and shift your entire schedule around to do it.

Things That Backfire Repeatedly

Sage and Thyme regularly perform a little ritual we refer to as the 8 PM Shuffle. At approximately 7:50, the requests intensify for songs, stories, drawings, water, baths, toys, flashlights, dinner, Tetley English Breakfast Tea, visits from distant relatives, and basically anything that may possibly delay bedtime.

Several weeks ago, in an attempt to streamline our bedtime ritual, relax the kids, and reduce the intensity of the 8 PM Shuffle, my mother brought us a CD of spa music. We played it once (this was back before our CD player was a hostage of the Talians). Sage and Thyme tolerated it--maybe even enjoyed it--and asked to see the cover of the CD. Said CD cover featured a photo of a woman lying on a spa table. It was not compelling enough to warrant comment from either child, other than, "CD."

Fast-forward to now. Desperate for ANY SOUND OTHER THAN TALIAN, we ultimately resorted to that time-honored parental technique: deceit.

ARABELLA, perhaps a little too cheerfully: We have a new Italian CD!

SAGE: Talian.

THYME: Talian?

ARABELLA: Yes, Talian! Would you like to hear this new Italian CD?

SAGE: Talian.

THYME: Talian?

ARABELLA: Ok, here we go!

(Begins playing CD.)

(Brief, expectant pause from children as the music starts.)

SAGE: LADY! LADY! LADY! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! NO! NO LADY! TALIAN! TALIAN!!!

(Hurls body onto ground, sobbing.)

ARABELLA: Ok! OK! No more lady! Talian!

(Immediately changes CD to Real Talian. Music starts.)

SAGE, quietly: No lady. No lady.

(pause)

SAGE, barely audibly: Go 'way, Lady.

(pause)

SAGE: Talian.

(Calmly begins to crayon the walls.)

Things That Backfire

While pregnant, I joyfully fantasized about teaching my children about their heritage. I bought them a CD called Baby's First Steps: Italian. It consists of lots of songs and stories. It is wonderful.

The first 75 times.

ARABELLA, standing by the CD player: "Would you like to hear Free to Be You and Me?"

SAGE: "No. Talian."

ARABELLA: "How about Joni Mitchell?"

SAGE: "Talian."

ARABELLA: "Mozart?"

SAGE: "TALIAN!"

ARABELLA, timidly: "Bach?"

THYME: "Bach?"

SAGE: "TALIAN! TALIAN!!!!"

(Sobs. Stamps feet. Throws tiny body on floor and pounds fists.)

THYME, softly: "Talian?"

ARABELLA: "Ok, ok. Italian."

(Brief pause as Arabella fiddles with CD player.)

SAGE: "TALIAN! MORE TALIAN!!!"

(Shakes fists. Kicks feet. Conjures up demons that lurk below.)

(music starts)

SAGE: "Talian."

(Proceeds to pick Cheerios out of carpet, contentedly.)

Quote of the Day

From Us Weekly, December 8, 2008: "Don't look for any deep reason the Texas-born [Ashlee] Simpson-Wentz and her Illinois-bred husband opted to give son Bronx the same name as the NYC borough."

Why I may start my own search engine

Because I'd like decent results when I search for "cheapest Caillou doll ever." A related search: "who do I have to sleep with to find a decent Caillou doll for less than $30 that is IN STOCK NOW."