St. Patrick's Day
Happy St. Patrick's Day, everyone!
Unfortunately, instead of green, I'm feeling a little bit blue this year.
I'm reminded of St. Patrick's Days past--one several years ago, spent having a wonderful evening at the now-closed McHale's.
Last year, Ty and I were in New Orleans for St. Patrick's Day. It was like a lighter, more family-friendly version of Mardi Gras, with beads and a parade and lots of festivities. This year I'm sure it's much more bittersweet.
I haven't uploaded my vacation pics yet, even though I planned to do it this week, so I haven't been able to tell all the stories I wanted to tell, and you don't seem to like posts about the contents of my apartment or interesting click-through people in quite the same way.
Of course, the notion of having recently been advised to have surgery loomed large over my vacation week. I think I did a pretty good job of not letting it ruin my good time, but now that I'm home I'm faced with the prospect of doing research and getting second opinions and just generally doing all the daunting work that a conscientious person in this position has to do.
I think the worst feeling, though, is finding out that something's going on in your body that you didn't know about.
I've always felt like I've known my body really well. I could get a sore throat with no other symptoms and say to myself, "This is because I didn't get enough sleep for the past three nights." After a solid night's sleep, I'd feel both physically better and intellectually vindicated. I know instinctively when to turn over in my sleep to avoid cramping on one side of my body. I know when it's time to apply sunblock, when I should deep-condition, and, generally, how to make myself feel better when I'm sick. I know my body's weak spots and strengths and sensitivities. I have astounded doctors with my intuitive self-remedies for minor ills.
Therefore, this recommendation-of-sorts really threw me for a loop.
It's enough to make me doubt my own highly-prized theories and notions about the workings of my own body. I feel completely in the dark, and a little bit betrayed.
Unfortunately, instead of green, I'm feeling a little bit blue this year.
I'm reminded of St. Patrick's Days past--one several years ago, spent having a wonderful evening at the now-closed McHale's.
Last year, Ty and I were in New Orleans for St. Patrick's Day. It was like a lighter, more family-friendly version of Mardi Gras, with beads and a parade and lots of festivities. This year I'm sure it's much more bittersweet.
I haven't uploaded my vacation pics yet, even though I planned to do it this week, so I haven't been able to tell all the stories I wanted to tell, and you don't seem to like posts about the contents of my apartment or interesting click-through people in quite the same way.
Of course, the notion of having recently been advised to have surgery loomed large over my vacation week. I think I did a pretty good job of not letting it ruin my good time, but now that I'm home I'm faced with the prospect of doing research and getting second opinions and just generally doing all the daunting work that a conscientious person in this position has to do.
I think the worst feeling, though, is finding out that something's going on in your body that you didn't know about.
I've always felt like I've known my body really well. I could get a sore throat with no other symptoms and say to myself, "This is because I didn't get enough sleep for the past three nights." After a solid night's sleep, I'd feel both physically better and intellectually vindicated. I know instinctively when to turn over in my sleep to avoid cramping on one side of my body. I know when it's time to apply sunblock, when I should deep-condition, and, generally, how to make myself feel better when I'm sick. I know my body's weak spots and strengths and sensitivities. I have astounded doctors with my intuitive self-remedies for minor ills.
Therefore, this recommendation-of-sorts really threw me for a loop.
It's enough to make me doubt my own highly-prized theories and notions about the workings of my own body. I feel completely in the dark, and a little bit betrayed.
Copyright 2005-2010 by Arabella and Trattoria Breve. All rights reserved. 8:55 AM
9 Comments:
I completely understand how you'd feel in the dark and betrayed -- I too feel that I know my body very, very well. When I miscarried I was very angry at my body for throwing me for such a loop. Even though you've had something come right out of left field, you do still know your body better than anyone else on the planet, I believe. ((hugs))
I'm sorry, Arabella. I know you've not had an easy time. I wish I could be more helpful to you but hang in there. The work and research will be worth it.
Whenever I have to do out-of-the-ordinary health tests I feel alternately saddened that there may be something wrong with me that I couldn't figure out or fix on my own, but also curious that there could be a problem that I've been living with and suffering with that could be fixed. As I've said to Teebs, something about the lack of control makes difficulties with conception so much harder to process, and it seems like you're feeling the same thing. Not in any way to trivialize, but it's like when you're sitting on the plane waiting to take off, but there's a delay, you can't get off the plane, the pilots give you some generic non-sensical reason why you're all sitting there, you have no way of fixing the situation at all... I'm sorry. I'd hope to be able to say something encouraging! Get those pictures developed! I want to see the sun! I missed you!
I have a cardiac problem--idiopathic, showed up in my late 30s, who knows why? I have the blood pressure of a teenager, unbelievably low cholesterol for someone my age, I've exercised consistently ALL MY LIFE--and I'm a cardiac patient. Have to take meds twice a day, get EKGs regularly, and pay attention to my symptoms. Yeah, I felt betrayed by my body. I denied my cardiac problem for so long because I just couldn't believe it couldn't happen to someone like me who always took care of herself and who was relatively young.
Not the same as an infertility issue, but that feeling of being betrayed, that I know.
((Arabella))
I think you should come stay at my house. I'll play hookie from work and we'll let you recover on the beach... :)
Mama T--I'm sorry you went through that. Thanks for the sympathy.
Izzy--Thanks. You're right about the work and research.
Mignon--that's a very good analogy.
V-Grrrl--I'm sorry about the cardiac problem.
Tink--You are a sweetheart! I'll bring the rum.
Wordgirl--Good point. I sympathize with a funk, that's for sure. I'm glad you're feeling better this week.
It feels like betrayal to find out something like that about your OWN body. I totally empathize.
Now quit thinking about yourself and download the vacation pics. I want to see them!
Arabella, you really hit the nail on the head for me with this one. I hope that you have had a chance to process some of this and make a decision about next steps.
It's hard to know if having a "diagnosis" such as it is, is a blessing or a curse. For me after all the test results have come back, I keep saying - the good news is, nothing is wrong with me, and the bad news is, nothing is wrong with me.
I know this is so hard. I'm thinking of you.
I'm afraid as we get older especially I find as we hit the 50s our bodies do seem to betray us as the equipment begins to fail, but we still manage to live long lives.
Good luck with your choice. I'll be reading along to see how you are faring.
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