Friday, March 31, 2006

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Mommie Nature Dearest,

Now, listen up, you little bitch, and listen good.

For years, I have been extolling the virtues of organic produce. You give me gas.

I don't color my hair. You give me strands of gray.

I stopped using my wonderful acne medication so as to create a safer environment in which to become pregnant. You give me no child and plenty of zits.

I give the "natural method" many, many opportunities. You choose not to exploit a single one, instead preferring that I undergo surgery.

I avoid artificial sweeteners. You widen my hips. Yet, you keep your own all slender and wood-nymph-ish underneath your gauzy dresses.

The final straw?

Every month, as I wait and worry, and abstain from alcohol and sushi and soft cheeses and generally all things fun, you give me the following:

1. sore breasts (though almost no increase in volume, you slut);
2. headaches;
3. vivid dreams;
4. occasional nausea;
5. tiredness.

BUT I'M NOT PREGNANT. This is just your idea of PMS.

This is really, really sick of you. This is on a par with making it so that one of the side effects of Clomid is a late period. You've got some nerve. You're supposed to be our sister, our friend. Father Time has been far nicer to me, giving me greater wisdom and perspective.

I have had just about enough of your bullshit. I've got a good mind to knock that crown of daisies right off your fucking head.

You'd better hope that you never meet up with me in a dark alley.

I'm off to buy some Pez now. AND EAT IT AND ENJOY IT.



Anonymous TB said...

I know! What is up with the nausea? I think it's the prenatals, but it's just not right.

I love this post. That is all.

11:54 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

I have a theory that Mother Nature is actually Sexually Frustrated Single Old Woman Nature, sometimes. I'm sorry about the PMS. I was just reading a couple days ago that Asian women take seaweed supplements to combat the cramps and bloating. You wanna try it?

And I still like your header. Do you keep going back to your site to check on it? Making sure it's still there in all its fanciness?

12:00 PM  
Blogger Jessica said...

Mignon, *I* even keep coming back to make sure the header is still there in all its sepia fanciness.

Not to mention the blog entries that are equally fancy and equally worth coming back for. Though not sepia.

I just like saying 'sepia'.

12:26 PM  
Blogger F&W said...

Looking sepia up in Merriam Webster now...

Great post. Thanks for straightening her out!

12:38 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

Power to the PMSing women! Arabella, I heart you. Enjoy the Pez. Avoid the yellow ones. They taste like Pledge Wood Cleaner. Well, what Pledge smells like. I don't go around licking tables or anything. Ok, I'm stopping now.

Have a great weekend.

1:16 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

You go, girl. Eat those PEZ and then go back to the corner store and get some Twinkies.

2:13 PM  
Anonymous V-Grrrl said...

Put the Pez in a Superhero dispenser and eat as many of them as you want.

8:09 AM  
Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

Screw the Pez. Go for the chocolate!

10:06 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Are you sure I didn't write that?

No. Seriously. It's like you're in my head.

Strength to you, my friend.

4:24 AM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

That's right. You tell 'er how it IS!

And I LOOOOOOVE your new header. LOVE IT!

7:15 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Testify, my sistah!

9:40 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I can personally vouch for the asspain that the Clomid-induced late period is. I'm trying to train myself out of the senseless hope the late period inspires (even when I know it means nothing).

My PMS has been diabolical since I started doing fertility treatment. At this rate, my husband is looking forward to my menopause years.

I hope the Pez was delicious.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Jess Riley said...

"I've got a good mind to knock that crown of daisies right off your fucking head."

Hahaha! Hope you enjoyed the Pez. Sorry to hear about the PMS; and as one with similarly whitening hair and widening hips, I hear you loud and clear.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Is all okay in NY? I've never seen you skip 2 days when you weren't galavanting around on vacation somewhere...

6:12 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

I was illin', but I'll return tomorrow. Thanks for asking, Mignon. :)

9:22 PM  

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