Monday, February 13, 2006

Useful Information for Those Who Were Improperly Socialized as Children

1. When New York is blanketed in several feet of snow, and most streets have only been shoveled sufficiently to allow one person to walk down them at a time, wearing ENTIRELY INAPPROPRIATE HIGH-HEELED BOOTS and walking at the corresponding slow pace makes people want to push you face-first into the yellow snow. Some of us have PLACES TO GO.

Do you REALLY think that some rich investment banker just heading uptown after his latest multimillion-dollar deal will see you in your sexy boots, exclaim, "Now, THERE's a woman who doesn't succumb to the elements!" and promptly make you his trophy wife, and forevermore (well, at least for the five years that your marriage lasts before you catch him schtupping the secretary) have you chauffeured around town in a limousine so that you never have to soil your little tootsies again?

Simply owning a vagina gets one enough unnecessary attention in this town, let alone dressing like you're going dancing in the middle of a blizzard. Sex and the City has been over for quite some time. Oh, and it was a TELEVISION SHOW. And, incidentally, you're no Kim Cattrall! Suck it up and purchase a pair of Sportos to wear while you buy your vegetables and get your prescriptions filled.

2. When an obviously school-aged kid wearing sneakers that cost more than my car payment delivers a speech about how he needs money to stay out of trouble as he panhandles on the subway, for heaven's sake, don't give it to him. Is it not obvious to you that he is skipping school to do this? Do you really want to encourage this behavior?

3. Also on the subway--If you are unable to control the rumbling sounds that come out of your throat, please, PLEASE don't stand so close to me. It freaks me out.

4. If I'm sitting on one of those little mirrored stools to try on a pair of boots, and there's another mirrored stool less than 20 feet away, completely vacant, it is not necessary for you to sit on the same stool as me and rub your buttcheeks up against mine, chilly though it may be.

7 Comments:

Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

They were high-heeled boots you were trying on, weren't they?

6:50 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

If you are unable to control the rumbling sounds that come out of your throat, please, PLEASE don't stand so close to me. It freaks me out.

YES. I always ended up standing next to the people who started up with that.

8:37 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

Someone sat on the same mirrored stool as you!? ACK! I'd be tempted to post up and give a little shove backwards. Blech!

10:24 PM  
Blogger The Queen Mama said...

OK, #2...I'm afraid I would've flicked the little shit on the nose.

And #4...GAH!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Uh, I hope you were not wearing a skirt, whilst perched on said mirrored stool?

#1, yep, one little bump and she'da been a goner and then, you could be on your merry way.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

GG--they were very sensible snow boots, but now I wish they had been high-heeled, because THAT would have been funny!

9:22 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

This morning I had someone LOOMING over me on the subway, invading my personal space in a very weird way. I think he didn't realize that his crotch was kind of in my face. Ugh.

These chicks who wear inappropriate clothing for the season kill me. These are the same women who don't wear coats when they're out for the evening in bitter winter winds, because it'll mess up their "look." I HAVE NO PITY.

9:58 AM  

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