Thursday, February 16, 2006

Rules to be Implemented When I am Queen of the World

Prepare yourselves.

1. One must have a permit to own a cellphone. To get this permit, one must first attend a short course regarding cellphone etiquette, and then must score at least 75% on a quiz covering the material taught in the course.

I will set the syllabus. It will include topics such as Not Talking Loudly on Your Cellphone for the Whole 45 Minutes You Ride the Train, Not Interrupting an Important Business Meeting to Answer an Unimportant Cellphone Call and Thereby Leaving Me to Sit There Like a Schmuck and Wait and Wait and Wait for 15 Minutes While I Have a Workload the Size of a Supermodel's Ego and You Are Merely Discussing Potential New Carpeting Colors With Your Wife Not That This Has Happened or Anything, and Never Ever, Ever TAKING A CALL AND CARRYING ON A CELLPHONE CONVERSATION DURING SUNDAY MASS.

Ringtones must never be set to a decibel level higher than half the average decibel level of the New York City subway system. Only musical ringtones from a pre-approved list will be tolerated. (Guess who sets the list!) Failure to follow these rules will result in revocation of one's cellphone privileges.

2. Doctors will be subject to the patient equivalent of mystery shopping--undercover individuals will pose as patients and then evaluate the doctor's bedside manner, politeness, willingness to answer questions clearly, respect for the patient, and minimally unpleasant speculum usage. The penalty for low marks will be a pelvic exam--even for the men--to be performed by some kid in first-semester premed who's still mastering usage of the Bunsen burner.

3. Dogs that bark outdoors, in cities where people live piled up on top of each other like sardines, for longer than 20 minutes at a clip, or before 8 am or after 8 pm, will be banished to Paris Hilton's bedroom.

4. Celebrities must register with the media before getting plastic surgery so that their postoperative appearances can be appropriately scrutinized.


Blogger The Gradual Gardener said...

I got my hair cut this week. The hairstylist took a cellphone call from her husband in the middle of the haircut! A pretty long one! I know I'm partially at fault for choosing the $14.95 salon at the mall, but still!

11:04 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Yes! And also you should not be able to talk on the phone while doing business with a cashier. Just pay for your groceries and move on. You are holding up the line.

11:28 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

When you're Queen can I be the court jester? BTW...

"While I Have a Workload the Size of a Supermodel's Ego" Total Quote Of The Day.

1:23 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Oh I am all over #4 like a fly on shit. I am surrounded by little yappy dogs who go off in a fit of yippy and yappy barking when the wind blows and I just. can't. stand. it.

4:18 PM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

I have heard tell of people who leave mass to take an "important call," but STAYING and CONVERSING? That is a ticket to hell, baby. Unless you're on the blower with the Pope.

4:51 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

I can see it now:

"What?? Wait, there's bad recept--okay--we're kneeling now. Gah! My knee hurts. Can you hear that joint cracking? Now what were you saying? Hang on--we're singing the Gloria Patri. Know the words to that? Never mind. They're done. Now what about---Oh, and with you also!--that leaking diaper? Peace be with you, too. No! Not you! The guy on my left. What?
What? Oh...I'm in a dead spot.
Can you hear me now?"

10:34 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

I hate cell phones, mostly because people have no idea how to behave with them. AND NIT ONE MORE CALL while I am in the bathroom!!!

Commence to wand waiving!

12:26 AM  
Blogger Arabella said...

Yeah, the cellphone at Mass really crossed the line. The guy was sitting within a few rows behind me. The phone rang a few times and then stopped, and then, a few minutes later, it rang again, and the guy PICKED IT UP. He said, "I can't really talk now," and the chat was short, but it really didn't seem like anything earth-shattering. Can you imagine???

8:54 AM  
Blogger IzzyMom said...

"Celebrities must register with the media before getting plastic surgery so that their postoperative appearances can be appropriately scrutinized."

lololololol...too funny

5:56 PM  

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