Monday, November 20, 2006

Armageddon

For the past five months, my consolation thought during all my pregnancy anxiety has been, "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet."

Daily injections needed? "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet."

Prenatal vitamins acting as the equivalent of steel wool plugging up my colon? "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet [the aesthetic part of it]."

Constant puking, resulting in a loss of about 7% of my body weight and the inability to consume most foods and beverages? "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet."

Still able to wear all of my pre-pregnancy bras? "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet."

Carrying around two kicking footballs in my overtaxed stomach? "At least my ass hasn't started to betray me yet."

At times, I have been disgruntled, doubled over in pain, belly popping, and unshowered, and people have said to me, "You look pretty good for being pregnant with twins." I can read between the lines. What they really mean is, "At least your ass hasn't started to betray you yet."

Well, this morning, after spending the weekend trying to discern whether double strollers that cost approximately 20% of a surgical procedure (though approximately 1/15th of a year of certain private kindergartens FOR ONE CHILD) are actually "necessities" given that I live in an area with abundant uneven pavement AND walking is my primary mode of transportation, rubbing cream on my newly-formed linea nigrea (which "should" go away after the babies are born, although it doesn't bother me nearly as much as I thought it would, given that, due to my enormous stomach, I CAN'T SEE IT), and blowing my raw, bloody nostrils (yep, got a cold, for which I can take approximately nothing), I began to yank on my elasto-waisted maternity jeans.

I yanked. And yanked. And yanked. And they finally went on.

And it wasn't pretty.

This should be an interesting four months.

7 Comments:

Blogger mamalujo1 said...

I think you have a nice ass. So there.

10:43 AM  
Anonymous Elizabeth said...

For the cold, unless your Doctor said not to, you should be able to take Sudafed. Also, Zicam, which is homeopathic, has these nasal swabs that help shorten the duration of a cold and make your noise feel not so sore (I use them every time I get a cold).

Hope you're feeling better soon!

2:28 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

So are you getting the double stroller? It'll make your butt look smaller, at the very least...

(Har har, I know how teeny your butt is. It's very teeny, and any added girth just makes it a step above teeny, which is just small.)

4:09 PM  
Anonymous TB said...

Aw Arabella, I'm sorry about your ass. With every new change in my body, I am increasingly amazed by how much I never expected pregnancy to jack me up so much. I really didn't. I thought I would look just like those skinny models with perfect glowing skin and glossy hair who have the perfect fake pregancy bumps strapped under their perfectly fitting maternity clothes.

8:07 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

I remember the day my ass betrayed me. I can only imagine the devastation that comes with twins. You, my dear, will be able to carry it off. And the not being able to take anything with a cold really stinks. You might try Airborne...just to boost your immune system.

12:13 AM  
Blogger ptg said...

Try using Bag Balm on the linea.

10:01 AM  
Blogger V-Grrrl said...

I remember getting all wigged out the day I realized my ass and my stomach were the same size. Little did I realize I'd soon look back on that moment FONDLY.

But then again, I never had a small ass...

The linea nigra does go away but it takes time. I still could see mine when E-Grrrl celebrated her first birthday.

3:48 AM  

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