Desperate times, desperate measures

Effective immediately, the following offenses taking place in or near the Trattoria Breve are now punishable by death:

-excess junk-mailing or menu or flyer-distributing, particularly when the papers are left on the floor of the entryway so that certain unnamed pregnant women whose stomach muscles are taxed to the limit then have to bend down to pick up said papers;

-possessing a cellphone with a ringtone that sounds like anything other than a ringing telephone, and I don't CARE how repetitive I am when I'm bitching about this one. There's a place and a time for Swan Lake, "Bootylicious," and "Hava Nagila," and that place is OUT OF MY EARSHOT and that time is NOT EVERY FIVE MINUTES;

-showing up more than twenty minutes early for any appointment that one has scheduled with me. If one shows up more than thirty minutes early and/or while I am writing a blog post, then the method of death will involve great pain.