Thursday, October 12, 2006

Common-Sense Business Etiquette 101

Good morning, class, and welcome once again to Common-Sense Business Etiquette 101!

I have graded your papers and there are a few things I would like to discuss with you as a group.

First of all, McAfee, you must never, ever, ever use the fact that your product is installed on a person's computer to your own advertising advantage! Your customers consider it rude and insulting when they are starting up their computer, intending to dive right into an important file, and a little pop-up window comes up and says "Save 62%!" and forces them to click either "Tell Me More" or "I Want to Continue What I Was Doing" before they can even access their own work. AOL IM, it's bad enough that you do it, but at least your software is free! McAfee, there is really no excuse for this. Particularly when the window pops up on the machines of customers who switched to another antiviral service months or years ago!

Next, we have Verizon. ENOUGH with the phone calls at home, already! Again, you are taking advantage of your access to your customer's machine, and, in many cases, your former customer's machine! Whatever you have to say, put it through the mail, so that your customer will only have to retrieve it, open it, discern whether it contains any personal information, shred it, and recycle the shreds properly, which should only take about 3 to 7 minutes out of the customer's life that he or she will never, ever get back again, instead of coping with a shrill, urgent tone that forces one to stop in the midst of whatever one is doing just to MAKE IT STOP ALREADY.

Ok, on to FedEx: you are aware that UPS (by the way, you're next, young man!) notifies its customers when subsequent delivery attempts are made? This is the only common-sense thing to do before shipping a package back to the far corners of the earth! Now, I realize that you can probably get another shipping fee when the customer finally realizes that you have come and gone with little more than a breeze by way of notification, but it's only a matter of time before this rudeness catches up with you and businesses start to drop you as their preferred carrier.

All right, UPS: You simply MUST instruct your delivery people that they needn't depress the doorbell with the entire weight of their body, and for the amount of time it takes to sit through a symphony. They awaken children and frighten the elderly. And when a customer grits her teeth and says "Thanks" anyway, they MUST respond, or, eventually, someone is going to be clobbered with the biggest, heaviest festive pumpkin lining the walkway.

Time Warner Cable: Have you thought about a new line of work???

Ok, students, that brings this class to an end. Next week, we will cover "How to please your customers in such a way that they never write satiric pieces about you on the Internet."


Blogger Tink said...

Here's my rant... I've been getting calls for 4 years for a Mr. John Stewart. Do I know this man? NO. But evidently he owned a lawn service that used my number before I did. My answering machine used to say, "Hello this is Tink. I do not own a lawnservice, know where one can be found, or have any idea where John is. Please stop calling!" And this little old lady kept leaving messages anyway for a mowing appointment.

4:48 PM  
Anonymous wordgirl said...

And UPS truck drivers need to stop driving like monkeys on drack. There's a reason they get there first: They probably ran over a whole schoolyard of children to deliver the package!

11:15 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

I don't know what drack is but our UPS drivers drive like monkeys on crack! (kidding, wordgirl, kidding!).

I am leaving Charter here soon for Time Warner. Please tell me Time Warner is perfect!!!! oh, no!!!

3:30 PM  

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