Friday, April 28, 2006

The 768,953rd Circle of Hell

How to push a sarcastic, yuppie foodie over the edge:

1. Look at a chart, and six seconds later, say something akin to, "I recommend that we perform surgery on your reproductive organs."

2. Hand me a photocopied piece of paper with the specialized diet that I need to follow prior to said surgery, and have it state something like:

2 Days Before Surgery: Carbohydrates only--pasta, bread, rice, canned vegetables, canned fruits. No meat, dairy, or fresh fruits and vegetables. No creamy, gooey artisanal cheeses. No antibiotic-free lamb or free-range chicken. No thick, creamy Greek yogurt drizzled with honey. No panna cotta with bittersweet chocolate-espresso sauce. No organic strawberries and blueberries. No fresh, juicy mangoes.

Day Before Surgery: Liquids only. No crisp walnut oat crackers. No fire-roasted vegetables. No steak au poivre. No succulent oranges. No rosemary ciabatta. NO FOOD AT ALL.

(Okay, I embellished a bit in the last few lines for each day, but, to me, it might as well have said just that.)

And to think that I just discovered Humboldt Fog.

This weekend we are having people over for dinner and, oh, so help me, I will be eating my "last meal" with gusto.

10 Comments:

Blogger Jess Riley said...

What a bummer! But I do hope the surgery proves a success and makes the inconveniences "worth it." (If being denied delicious foodstuffs could be described as an inconvenience, which, now that I really think about it, is more like a form of torture.)

10:33 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

Oh, the Humbolt Fog.... so delicious with crusty baguette or toast points and figs drizzled with balsamic glaze.
I hope you make your last meals this weekend really count and don't forget to tell us all about it. It's food porn.
I'll be thinking about you next week.

10:46 AM  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

I would do just fine on the All-Carbs diet! Although I find that being told I absolutely can't eat something just makes me crave it, so be strong!

Seriously, good luck with the surgery. I'll thinking of you.

11:01 AM  
Blogger Mignon said...

And all along I thought the dread you so plainly expressed was due to the actual surgery itself. I should have known better.

The fact that you can have canned vegetables instead of fresh vegetables is more than a little disgusting. Can you imagine smearing canned peas on top of white bread. Straight out of the Gitmo cookbook.

1:18 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

I've learned more about food reading your blog than I have being married to an Italian. ;)

Good luck with the surgery.

1:39 PM  
Blogger Tink said...

Good luck Arabella!! You should start planning the feast you'll have when you're done. :)

1:41 PM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

I hate those food restrictions! Good luck with the surgery!

3:35 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Enoy your Last Supper!!!

8:31 AM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Oh sweetheart...good luck with your surgery! And eat EVERYTHING when you get out!

1:17 AM  
Blogger Mrs. Harridan said...

Everything will be fine, and I definitely think that you and Ty need to either have some home-cooked lamb when you're better (if he's not still sick), or go out for a very nice meal.

The good news is, the sopressata will stay good until then, what with all the curing. ;)

1:12 PM  

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