Thursday, January 12, 2006

Six Fun Things To Think About When You're Scared Or Stressed

1. Try to count the number of people who have seen your naked backside in your lifetime. Include everybody--not just the obvious lovers, but also doctors, people who accidentally walked in on you when you were in the bathroom, fellow locker-room users, people who changed your diaper when you were an infant, roommates, etc. Photos and videotape count, unless you're a porn star, in which case you get an occupational exception because imposing such a count on you would constitute an undue burden for an activity that's supposed to be entertaining.

2. If you're not trying to get pregnant, and not tracking your menstrual cycles to avoid getting pregnant, relish the thought that you don't really have to keep painstakingly scrupulous track of your menstrual cycles; ordinary track will suffice. If you are trying to get pregnant, relish the thought that, unlike me, you probably haven't kept track of some of yours on the back of a J. Crew receipt. If you have, then know that you've got a sympathetic friend. If you're a man, just be quiet and sit in your seat. Better yet, if you have a female partner, bring her a nice cold soda and a chocolate chip cookie. If you're tracking your menstrual cycles to avoid getting pregnant, you're on your own; haven't I done enough for everybody else? I'm tired.

3. That mean, ugly dog on your block that barks every day at 5 am, takes a dump in your rose bushes, scares away all the cool birds at your birdhouse, and terrorizes little kids on their tricycles? That dog will most likely be dead within fifteen years. Probably a lot less.

4. Someone somewhere once thought of putting chocolate and hazelnut together, and now we all know about it and get to enjoy this combination whenever we want.

5. Pajamas have evolved so much in the past few years that many kinds now look quasi-acceptable when worn in public. This I know for a fact.

6. As of right now, you've got a whole ELEVEN AND A HALF MONTHS to do your Christmas shopping.

Help me out, people. Add some more.


Anonymous TB said...

Arabella, I have nothing to add except that I think I'm a little bit in love with you. You rock.

11:22 AM  
Blogger Tink said...

When I'm bored I like to add, "In bed" to the end of everything everyone says. Kind of like what you do with fortune cookies. Only... It would probably be a good idea to say it in your head.

11:45 AM  

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