Friday, January 13, 2006

Bar None

I've pretty much shot my humor wad for the week, so don't expect great things today.

In spite of our reputations as food snobs, Ty and I enjoy protein bars fairly often. They make a good calorie-controlled snack, are convenient, and taste pretty good, unless you get the kind with no sugar, in which case you might as well just eat the packaging that they come in, or your own words, which undoubtedly would taste better.

My favorite protein bars are Kashi GoLean. They are big and chewy and come in good flavors. Until recently, the stores closest to me only carried Chocolate Peanut Butter and Cookies 'n Cream. I had to trek farther for Malted Chocolate Crisp and for my personal favorite, Chocolate Almond Toffee.

Now, I ask you, who made the marketing decision that the CANDY-FLAVORED bars should be less widely available? There's a lot to be said for Chocolate Peanut Butter and Cookies 'n Cream, but, my goodness--TOFFEE, people!!! I can think of about half a dozen stores where I can readily procure wheatgrass juice, soy sour cream, and all manner of (to me, at least) unsavory products. Why on earth should it be so difficult to find something prominently labeled with a picture of an almond, a chocolate chip, and a HUGE HUNK OF BUTTERY TOFFEE???

Someone obviously got with the program, because a number of local stores have recently begun stocking their shelves with a wider selection.

So, corporate decisionmakers, I implore you PLEASE to do the following additional good, smart things:

1. Discontinue specific cosmetic colors no more often than once every two years.
2. Release Diary of a Mad Housewife on DVD.
3. Automatically link the words "skirt" and "A-line" in your mind.
4. When you make slingbacks, add a strip of padding in the strap, for heaven's sake.
5. Stop tinkering with soda. Enough variations, already. I can readily buy everything but the one thing I want, which is Caffeine Free. I really don't need kumquat-infused cola.
6. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, even think of making wool pants without a lining.
7. Stop making nice clothing in ridiculous colors. Haven't you noticed that black, gray, ivory, navy, and red all go, and then you're left with a big fat batch of Chartreuse? Is this what you want???

14 Comments:

Blogger Mr. Lashes said...

if it weren't for my south beach bars, i sometimes wouldn't eat during the day...

12:24 PM  
Blogger Mignon said...

I used to like Luna bars, but they have a weird aspartame (or whatever) kind of flavor. Is that the infused folic acid? It finally wore me down and out. Yes, what is with the orange and yellow, unlined, wool pencil skirt companies. Hex on you!!

2:42 PM  
Blogger mama_tulip said...

Number 5 -- RIGHT ON, SISTA.

3:48 PM  
Blogger Brooke said...

Hehehe! And I thought you said you shot your humor wad!

6:07 PM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

Love protein bars. They are not the same as canfy bars, really, not even if they taste like them or have the same amount of calories or the same amount of sugar. No, they are go for you goddammit!

12:05 AM  
Blogger Ditsy Chick said...

that would be candy bars...for heaven's sake, will I ever learn to type?

12:06 AM  
Anonymous SJ said...

I like to fool myself and get the "healthy" protein bars--you know, Balance yogurt honey peanut instead of fudge brownie.

Also, I agree with your last item. They should make, like, three fuschia shirts for the sartorially special and then charcoal for the rest of us.

12:22 AM  
Blogger wordgirl said...

Also get rid of everything in that fake not-quite-turqoise color that resembles nothing in nature.

1:09 AM  
Blogger Shrinking Violet said...

Calorie control?? This...is a term...for which my people...have no reference.

DITTO ON THE WOOL PANTS!

7:23 PM  
Blogger DebbieDoesLife said...

Will you be my best friend??? We have everything in common - you go girl! Especially the wool pants!

6:38 AM  
Anonymous TB said...

I'm a big fan of Zone and Balance bars and they have all the delicious candy flavors like chocolate carmel crunch and fudge graham.

3:46 PM  
Blogger Kaijsa said...

Amen, #6. I have a beautiful pair of pants that I can't wear because they scratch the tops of my legs bloody. I have to dissent with #7. My default color is black, but I live for the wacky colors, as long as they're bright and not those muddy tones.

For protien bars, I like the Genisoy, but I can only eat half at a time. The chocolate mint are totally candy.

5:16 PM  
Blogger mamalujo1 said...

One time, years ago, me and a couple of friends were hiking with my Dad. We were all tired, and my Dad said, "Man, I've shot my wad." Now, we were teenagers, and my Dad was kind of formal and intimidating. My friends looked at me, all wide-eyed, to see if I had heard it too. Clearly, the old boy didn't know what he was saying. And I'm sorry, I know I'm screwing up by asking, but I can't help it: you do know that "shooting your wad" is a euphemism for ejaculating, right!? I promise I'll read more, I like your stuff. Bye!

5:06 PM  
Blogger Arabella said...

Mamalujo, I just saw your comment now, on 1/24 (I'm a little slow on the uptake sometimes). That's very funny about your dad and your friends. Thanks for the compliment!

8:48 PM  

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