Wednesday, July 16, 2008

On Twins, Part III

Today I read about an acquaintance who just gave birth to twins, one over seven pounds and the other over six, vaginally and without anesthesia. She successfully and simultaneously produced one child of each sex.

At first, I felt a little jealous. I didn't deliver vaginally and without anesthesia. I didn't simultaneously produce one child of each sex. I didn't produce two children over six pounds. Then, I felt pissed off at myself for feeling jealous.

I imagine plenty of women were a little bit jealous when I had twins. In fact, I know it for sure. Another acquaintance, one still struggling to conceive, told me that all she wants is "one healthy baby." She's a good person and will be a wonderful mother; she deserves to have a healthy baby. I felt so bad, telling her about my good news. I remember being in her shoes, the struggle, the feeling of inadequacy. Then, the discovery that I'd conceived! Then, the discovery that it was....TWINS! And my world turned topsy-turvy.

I genuinely feel that having twins was the best thing that ever happened to me. But I can't deny that I still, in the dim dark recesses of my mind, mourn not having had the one-mother, one-baby experience. Co-sleeping. Easier nursing. Happy cuddling with one child without the other crying, sad and alone. Being able to carry, transport, and care for my children on my own, despite the physical limitations of a C-section. Having had a much greater chance at not having a C-section.

A friend of mine who gave birth more recently envies my stomach. I admit, I'm extremely proud at how I've bounced back. The "twin skin" that I so dreaded and feared wasn't inevitable! I look substantially like I did before, with the exception of four extra pounds. And, as I write that, it honestly tickles me a little bit that I can say that, and some women can't.

It never ends, the jealousy. So-and-so has a higher-end stroller. So-and-so had more than enough milk. So-and-so not only gave birth to triplets vaginally and with no anesthesia, but also gave birth to a Thanksgiving dinner with all the trimmings, and then single-handedly cleaned up prior to delivering the afterbirth, then her stomach promptly shrank back and she sat down for some pumpkin pie.

The twins have helped me see this--the never-ending self-examination, the never-ending comparisons. If my body produced two beautiful children and I'm still second-guessing myself, I'm never going to stop. It's time to make peace with that, accept it, and let it go.


Blogger PEACE said...

Isn't it great being a mom. Especially once you get bast the zombie mom stage.

I can't imagine twins. I had four kids and two of them are 12 months apart, as close to twins as I ever want to experience! My babies are now all grown up--32, 29, 28, & 23, but it seems like yesterday the smell of diaperpails and worrying if they would ever be potty trained. They are!

1:04 PM  
Anonymous apathy lounge said...

I'm betting the boys are gorgeous and brilliant. And your taught tummy makes me green with envy.

9:04 PM  

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