Phoning it in

For the record, I have possessed cellphones at all times for approximately eight years, and I have never once lost or damaged a cellphone, but I have, on several occasions, been inconvenienced by someone else losing or damaging a cellphone, and this morning was basically the LAST STRAW, and I support the idea of implanting people with cellphone chips if it means that I will never ever again have to stand there in the hallway in my bare feet sweating fenugreek and calling a missing cellphone while one child drools all over my crisp $75 Brooks Brothers shirt and his brother screams and cries and three or four people need to walk exactly where I'm standing thereby forcing me to shift position as I balance said child(ren) while I dodge errant construction nails and all the while hunt unsuccessfully for the phantom phone at the bottom of a gooey, gooey diaper bag.